Values of the Heart

Balance may seem like that one thing we chase after and never catch. Sometimes we wonder how in the world we will ever have balance with all of the demands on our lives. I truly believe that balance comes from following our values. You may wonder, “But what about all of the demands on my life? How am I going to get it all done?” The answer is boundaries. There is only so much one person can do.

Boundaries are necessary in keeping us not only healthy but also sane. A boundary can be defined as something that separates two objects. For instance, if you own a home, the property line between your lot and your neighbor’s lot is a boundary. There are boundaries in your personal life, as well. There are spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental boundaries.

Spiritual boundaries are evident between you and God. His will and your will differ. The boundary separates the two. Often, we are in awe of God and His all-knowing spirit. I’m sure you’ve come to realize that following His will is better than following your own.

The other boundaries: physical, emotional, and mental are evident between you and others. When these boundaries blur, it’s difficult to tell where one person ends and another begins. We are out of balance at that point. When that happens, I doubt that we are truly following our values.

Here’s an example: Sally was asked to volunteer her time for a worthy cause. Sally knew that she was already booked solid. But she felt like she couldn’t say no, after all it is for charity. So Sally said yes and immediately regretted the decision. In fact, as she was volunteering, her mind is elsewhere on the other responsibilities she was neglecting due to this decision.

What could Sally have done differently? Well, she could have looked honestly at her schedule and determined what could be delegated to someone else so that she could volunteer. She could have said no to the volunteer opportunity for now. Then she could have made a conscious effort to free up her schedule in the near future so she could volunteer at another time. She could have found a friend that had the time and desire to volunteer and offer the opportunity to them. Or Sally could have said no, due to the fact that her schedule was booked. Maybe she would have realized that although this is a good cause that she is already giving back to the community in other ways.

What boundaries can you set in your life? What are you saying yes to that you need to say no to? What are you saying no to that you need to say yes to?

Your connections are part of B.A.L.A.N.C.E. in your life. This includes your family, friends, and acquaintances. And, as women, we are great at connecting with others. We nurture our relationships.  We know the importance of our connections. It’s imperative to choose our friends wisely.

When you spend time with friends, you are influenced by them. They will support you and hopefully keep you accountable. Great friends will not just agree blindly with everything you do and say. They will challenge you to grow as a person. This is where connections become very rewarding. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” I love this verse. But more importantly, I love to see this verse in action. It’s amazing to when a friend shows her love by telling me the truth. Sure, it may not be easy to receive, at first. But in the long run, it is necessary for growth as a person.

The people you spend time with contribute to your thoughts. Of course, it is your decision what you do with those thoughts. It’s been said that much of your success is attributed to your circle of influence. The opposite is also true. You contribute to your friends’ success. Let’s be encouragers and supporters of one another. When there is a criticism to share, share it in truth and love.

Sometimes friends get into the slump of trading complaints. Make a commitment to one another to stop complaining and start challenging one another to grow. You can follow your heart much easier if you have supporters. Who are you spending the most time with? Are your friends encouraging and cheering your on toward your goals? Are you doing the same for them?

Forgiveness is often thought of as a spiritual thing. And it is in many ways. But in a lot of ways it is about freeing yourself from the past, no matter how long ago the offense occurred. Holding a grudge has never served anyone well. In fact, there are medical studies that have found a correlation between the patient’s level of forgiveness to their reported levels of pain and emotional distress. In other words, patients that reported high levels of pain were also more likely to report their inability or unwillingness to forgive others. These studies were preliminary. However, the research is quite interesting.

Forgiveness is freeing for you and your emotional well-being. If we harbor ill feelings toward others, we could be hurting not only ourselves but our relationships. When we forgive, we are offering the offender a chance to reconcile either now, or in the future.

Some important points on forgiveness:

1. According to Merriam Webster, forgiveness is to give up resentment of.
2. Remember to forgive yourself as well as others.
3. Forgiving someone does not give them license to continue any abusive behavior toward you.
4. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation.

Forgiveness clears up some of the emotional distress so that you can see more clearly. When we are hurt, it is difficult to see the situation from any perspective other than our own. Once we have the ability to forgive, we can begin to somewhat understand the offender’s viewpoint. Even if the only understanding we ever come to is that they, like us, are human and in need of forgiveness.

Do you tell yourself that you “have to” do something? You may think, “Well yeah, I have to do the laundry” Actually, you don’t have to. You have choices.

When I was a single mom working two jobs and going to college, I chose not to do the laundry. My son was very young at the time and still slept a lot. I felt like I was missing so much time with him by working and going to college. I didn’t own a washer and dryer. So, doing the laundry meant a fairly lengthy trip to the laundromat. (Those of you with young children understand how the clothes pile up.) I chose to have the laundry washed, dried, and folded for me. This one decision reduced my stress tremendously. I have made similar decisions throughout my life.

When we tell ourselves we have to do something, I think part of us quietly rebels (or not so quietly). It’s human nature. However, I’m not saying give yourself permission to do ANYTHING. Here’s my point, if you are making decisions based on feeling obligated and not based on your values, you are going to be really stressed. There is a reason you want to say no. Either you realize that you’ve taken on too much and now is not the time to add one more thing. Or by saying yes, you will not be following your heart.

Deep down, I believe we all have great instincts. You and I know when something lines up with our passion. Sure, there will always be chores and discipline. But I have found that I even want to do those things. I realize just how grateful I am for what I have been given in life and I want to take care of it. When I can’t do a chore, I feel no guilt about getting help.

Reduce the stress in your life. Reevaluate the “have to’s” in your life. Choose to keep doing these tasks because you want to. Just by wanting to do a task, your stress level is reduced. Or choose to pay someone to do the task for you.